Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Microwave Love: And Other Hot Drinks

Today, we're talking about beverages.

Just for the record, I've never been able to drink coffee at all-the smell overpowers me from a distance-and don't remotely like tea, so my experience with these particular drinks is pretty much entirely secondhand (my dad is an avid coffee drinker and my mom and sister drink pretty fair amounts of tea-way to follow stereotypes, guys).

I'll note that I've broken this particular page up, and excluded one of the lists of cook times for boringness.

That is either an incredibly exhausted lightning bolt, or he's seen things, man.

We have no idea of the dark things that have been taking place just offscreen in the production of this manual, as if what we've seen wasn't dark enough.

The lightning bolt gives greeting to the coffee cup. Unfortunately, this coffee cup is of the inanimate, non-anthropomorphic variety, and gives no reply.

The lightning bolt doesn't understand.

Incidentally, the implications that there are both cartoon anthropomorphic and non-cartoon non-anthropomorphic varieties of dishware in the strange universe this pamphlet takes place in is perhaps the strangest thing I've seen in it so far, and that's saying quite a thing.

The boy lightning bolts go about their business, happy as usual. The girl lightning bolt, though she has a smile on her face, has had enough of their sexist crap making her be a waitress (I mean, really), and has decided to pour out the contents of that tiny coffee kettle to show her defiance.

I mean, seriously, look at her face. She is so done.

So, how does that work, exactly? Does the microwave magically sweeten the stuff?

In all seriousness, people tell me that coffee smells good, but I can tell just from the smell that a lot of it's bitter naturally (of course, Dad likes his coffee blacker than black, having stereotypical blue-collar coffee tastes). Does reheating coffee without a microwave actually somehow cause (additional) bitterness, or is this just another of those weird, weird claims?

If you weren't already reading the titles in the Marshie voice, here's your reminder to do so.

1. So... that (anthropomorphic cartoon) cup has taste buds on its insides?

2. I checked out of curiosity: There is no hot cocoa time listing, either before or after. (Reminder: The times in this booklet are not useful. /PSA)

...Aaaaand there's the non-anthropomorphic, non-cartoon cup again, this time joined by a presumably inanimate jar of Tang.

It's frankly a bit weird to think that Tang used to come in such boring ol' jars; my entire life, it's come in funny "space-age" containers to capitalize on people thinking of it as connected to NASA and the space program.

Favorite tidbit from the Tang article:

In 2013, Buzz Aldrin stated that "Tang sucks."[7]
7. ^ Now He Tells Us: 'Tang Sucks,' Says Apollo 11's Buzz Aldrin : The Two-Way : NPR

I'm not sure I'd go that far, but I certainly didn't need Buzz Aldrin to tell me it isn't great (I actually used to drink a fair amount of the stuff, but will admit to it being an acquired taste).

Join me next week, when I talk about breakfast and other disturbing things.

-Signing off.

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