A Moment of What The: Dynasty Warrior

So, some time ago, I burned a lot of time playing free flash games online. Since then, I've moved to mildly more productive ways to waste my time, but I figure, hey, some of those experiences were pretty wacky, so I might as well share them.

One time, I found the most awesome fighting game ever. Sorta.

See, I don't generally like fighting games (mostly 'cause I stink at 'em), but every now and again I find one that's reasonably fun. This was such an instance-Dynasty Warrior!

Now, for those of you who are video game aficionados, you may have heard that name, because it's a moderately long-running series of Japanese-made video games.

I don't really know the story behind this game demo (which is what it is) ending up on the Internet on free game sites, but I'm not going to question it overmuch, as there's no chance I would have found or played it otherwise.

Anyway, here's the start screen. If you're interested in playing, I'd suggest clicking the second button there, and using it to reconfigure the game's controls from their default (W=up, S=down, A=left, D=right, and some random keys for the fighting controls) because it's darned hard to remember them.

Anyway, let's cut to the meat of the game.

This is you.

Yes, that huge bearded guy in the blue shirt is you. His name is Guan Yu, and he's an important historical figure in China. In fact, he's been deified, and is still worshipped even in modern Communist China.

So, somewhat indirectly, perhaps, in this game you play as a god.

Guan Yu was actually a general who helped topple the Han Dynasty and helped found some kingdom or other. However, his exploits have become something not unlike the legends of King Arthur, and he is considered the epitome of loyalty and righteousness by the Chinese.

He's kinda like Abraham Lincoln, really.

Anyway, in the demo, most of the enemies you fight are these wimpy little stupid spear guys.

They can use those spears, but they usually seem to forget to-I think they need a bit more distance before they can use them, so if you get up close to them, you can just punch them in the face a bunch and they won't do anything to stop you, other than the occasional annoying jump-kick. And because of the way the game works, you can do this to as many as four of them at once without difficulty.

Sounds easy, although there's an issue with it.

Sometimes guys go off the edge of the screen, and you can't go into that area until all the enemies have been defeated. Since you often grab guys and throw them, this is annoyingly frequent.

Also:

HEADBUTT. Yes, Guan Yu headbutts dudes. This strikes me as wildly hilarious.

There are weapons in the game, but they're hard to find. (I had to play through three times before I picked this up.)

The sword is nifty, killing most enemies (and often multiple enemies) in one hit and extending your reach (though it's a much slower attack than a punch), but if you get hit you tend to drop it, and it usually evaporates before you can pick it back up. (Although I once grabbed it after dropping it twice in a row.)

Also, once you get to the "mountain pass" area, these guys show up.

Like the stupid spear guys, the dumb bow guys often fail to use their arrows even once, though they're more likely to get off a shot or two. (Though they can sometimes be abysmal shots.)

If this was all there was to the game, I wouldn't care. But it's not all-you also have awesome powers.

Guess how you summon these giant bursts of flame?

By using a torch you have stored in your inventory.

Yes, you read that right.

Alternately, you can use a rock to do this.

The absurd awesomeness of this aspect of gameplay boggled my mind when I saw it.

Since it's a demo, it's short. And since it's a fighting game, there's a boss at the end. Unlike the stupid spear men and the dumb bow guys, he never forgets he's holding his absurdly huge spear.

He's a mild challenge if you have enough torches and rocks.

Once you defeat him...

VICTORY ROAR.

This game is really silly. I'm not sure how the other games in the series would compare to it, but it's hilarious, and I had fun with it.

-Signing off.