Awesomer Than Thou: The Life and Death of Robot John

I was considering doing a full review of "Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet," a long, dull, and totally insane old sci-fi movie, but there was one character in it who stuck out in my mind as being especially worthy of being given tribute. Since the movie is available everywhere on the Internet for free, I'd suggest looking it up for yourself if you're interested in more.

Robot John is a robot.

He was built by this guy, whom I would never want to wake me up, because he's one creepy, evil-sounding dude. (My sister remarked "Man, I thought he was totally going to go insane and kill the rest of the expedition or something!")

Anyway, here he's awakening Robot John in order to call upon the automaton's nigh-superhuman skills at operating a spacecraft.

Look at those eyes. They're wise, and dare I say nearly omniscient.

Anyway, despite the scientist being so bright that he can build a highly sophisticated robot such as the magnificent Robot John, it turns out that he was right to turn over piloting the craft to Robot John, as John narrowly saved them from flying right into a freaking mountain.

Yes.

Then, when they get there, for some reason they take Robot John apart, and force the mighty one to wander around in most undignified fashion...

Stupid humans.

Give Robot John his head back, man!

Fortunately, this grave oversight does not cost them much, they just get their suits superficially ripped by a bunch of ravenous local reptile monsters.

Again, why did they take him apart?

Anyway, despite some difficulties caused by stupid humans, Robot John's strength and durability let him muscle his way past the reptile monsters... not that anyone could see what was happening.

And once he was across this obstacle (which appeared to be water, which is ironic for reasons I'll bring up), he helped the explorers cross... somehow.

These, for reference, are the mighty feet of Robot John. Bow down before them.

Bow, I say.

Anyway, there's something about Robot John that I doubt he would like to get around, so if you'd be so kind, this next part is between you, me, and Robot John, okay?

Robot John is afraid of water. (Ironically, I'm pretty sure he was wading through it when he was being chased by the lizard things.)

And this comes at the worst possible time, when his human deadweights are suffering from some kind of exotic Venusian fever.

Fortunately for them, he finds a cave, where there is no water. (Robot John always keeps his priorities straight.)

And there, he watches over them as they collapse and start dying from horrible infections.

Creepy scientist dude, by the way, starts chanting stuff like "Must... do... math in head... in order... to retain consciousness..."

It's obviously up to Robot John to save them, but he knows nothing of infections, so it's up to the Commander to coach him through it, from his air car that floats on water and-er, just roll with it, it's old and American-dubbed Russian.

Anyway, this stupid human has no faith in a robot that can pilot a spacecraft better than a human and fight off reptile monsters without perceptible effort, so he tells Robot John, "Listen to me and do exact as I say. Listen, Robot John. Listen up now." And he carries on like this for a bit until he's sure John's got the message.

First, Robot John must take the special packet from the explorer's first aid kit on his spacesuit. (Wait, what? Why didn't he do it himself when he started getting sick? Stupid human.)

With his hands that are barely smaller than the Jaws of Life, and not much more delicate.

Somehow, Robot John does it.

Robot John, you are clearly a king among robots.

Oops, he dropped it.

Fortunately, this was apparently all part of Robot John's ingenious plan to open these delicate containers, because he probably would have ground those tablets to dust if he'd had to get them open manually.

And he manages to get the helmet open, and the pill in his mouth...

And then, in what could have been a deal-breaker, he splashed water in his face...

And shut the helmet.

I take back what I said, Robot John. You are a saint.

Nobody would have blamed you if you'd just chucked those guys over the waterfalls and ditched 'em.

Anyway, so then Robot John shows off his vast strength by felling a tree, merely by tying string to it...

Keep in mind the size of those darned trees...

And spinning his torso around like a dervish.

Down come those trees.

Just to remind you of how big those trees are:

Ever faithful, ever useful, and ever patient, Robot John informs his deadweight companions that it should be safe to cross.

So what do they say in response? "Thanks, John, for all the hard work?" No, they say "Play some music, John, and we don't even care what."

Stupid humans. Nobody'd blame you if you shoved them right off that makeshift bridge, John.

Soon, the light changes to a sinister, slightly reddish color. Something bad is happening:

A volcanic eruption. And they all just stand around and watch.

Oh, those stupid humans will be the death of you yet, Robot John!

So what do they do? One suggests they try to use a grapple line to slide across, a nice, sensible suggestion. But the other says, no, John will have to carry us across.