Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Microwave Love: Reheating Guide

And now we come to the most important use of microwaves from the modern perspective-the magical, mystical power of reheating!

I have no idea what's up with the poorly drawn stars there. (I cut off a note that says "PLACE ALL BREADS ON A PAPER TO AVOID MOISTURE," which, while useful advice, was connected to a glaring yellow bar.)

The following chart, as often is the case, has had its times cut off; I'd have cut off those glaring yellow bars, too, because they're seriously burning my eyes, but that was a bit impractical for various reasons.

1. So, apparently the sweetness of the sweet roll is represented by it making a kind of creepy face and emitting hearts. Righteo then.

2. Bread slices and waffles both are apparently attempting to get a tan. Pretty sure I told you guys to stop that.

3. Where's that dinner roll (dinner roll? Looks more like a butter-flavored cupcake) going in such a hurry? He's not trying to escape, otherwise he'd look more upset.

4. For unclear reasons, both the donut and the French toast are dancing.

5. Don't have much to say about the pancakes, except that he sure is crowded there. Lucky for him he's flat as pancakes, right?

Then there's this stick of butter on a serving dish.

Now, look at that butter/dish closely. The eyes are on the butter. The mouth and feet are on the dish.

What kind of Frankensteinian abomination is it?

The melted butter and its dish appear to be unrelated entities despite their superficially similar appearances.

"Did you forget to take the roast out of the... freezer this morning?"

...What else were you thinking about saying, creepy lightning bolt? Or were you just being distracted because you were staring at that woman?

Just checked the angle of his eye, he's definitely checking her out. Pervo.

This next bit, I feel like I'm missing something:

So, is that an already-cooked hamburger? I really hope it is. Because otherwise that's probably not actually ready to eat ten minutes later.

Also, the plate carrying the roast has disproportionately tiny legs even by the standards of anthropomorphic dishware.

Most importantly, though: "Meal planing is simple now." Flattening meals? Sending them by aircraft? Or something more esoteric?

And the most important microwaving subject of all: "Left-overs."

So here's a pretty textbook case of fat-shaming:

Look at that poor guy. Yeah, he's pretty huge, especially compared to the ridiculously stickish guy from Breakfast, but he's also desperate.

Seriously, he looks like he's just watched somebody kick all the puppies. "I can't even eat what's already on my fork? It's on my fork, man!"

Also, that "free meal for me" doesn't look very substantial.

And finally:

Okay, no. Much as I love the usefulness of microwaving, generally microwaved leftovers do not in fact taste fresh-cooked. Perhaps to the less discerning palates of those who are trying it for the first time, but once you've had a soggy microwaved blob of sandwich, you'll never say it's like a fresh-cooked meal again.

That last one's on the nose, though... wait, what's up with the chandelier?

Next time, we'll start with hamburgers and see where things go from there.

-Signing off.

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