Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Real Superhero Adventures: Teleporters

It shouldn't surprise people that the power of teleportation-the long-distance, instantaneous, and ultra-safe kind-would be immensely useful for many things.

What's really staggering is the idea of an "everywhere man" teleporter-one who can sense everywhere, or at least most places, and who doesn't move in linear fashion. One who doesn't actually have to fully appear somewhere to act on that place. (Less improbable than it sounds. If teleportation as a superhuman power were possible, it'd probably work as much or more like intangibility as like BAMFing.) And of course, it has been suggested that merely being an "everywhere man" would drive anyone totally insane.

Of course, everyone likes to focus on the horrible things teleporters could do. What about the perfectly legitimate things?

A courier service, for instance. I can't imagine a more secure and efficient way of ensuring a package arrived on time and untampered with than if an everywhere man picked it up and dropped it off in the same moment. And a "true" everywhere man could run this courier service without any "conventional" advertising, as he or she could drop off business cards to people that he or she knew were wishing for such a service because they were always hiring shady guys to sneak around packages or upset about e-mails or public mail being too public. The scary part would be that you'd never see the courier-in fact, I imagine it'd be possible for a smart everywhere man to run a business like this under the radar without ever being discovered.

And an everywhere man would, of course, be a highly effective law enforcement official. Too good, in fact-if Big Brother was watching you, it'd be a specific person. (I list it under legitimate jobs because you know every government in the world wants something like this.)

And then there's the bodyguard potential. Aside from being able to snatch people out of the way of gunshots or get them away from exploding bombs, an everywhere bodyguard might be able to do the following:

Guy: Can we go now?
Bodyguard: Wait just one minute. (mutters something into the phone)
(There are sounds outside, a brief flurry of automatic gunfire among them.)
Bodyguard: Now we can go.

So, yeah, that'd be pretty scary too.

Here's a counterintuitive one: Exterminators. (Or even general animal control, for that matter.) Even if all an everywhere exterminator could do was pluck ants, termites, rats, and other pests out of someone's home or building and put them somewhere less troublesome, it'd be the quickest, most efficient, and cleanest way to take care of this problem that I can imagine.

Repair jobs. Teleport out a bad part and teleport in a good one.

Surgery. See above, creepy as it sounds.

And of course, if a true everywhere man existed, and didn't need to sleep, s/he could probably do all of these jobs simultaneously.

-Signing off.

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