Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Different Kind of James Bond

I've seen a lot of the James Bond movies, and while I can't say I'm a hardcore fan of them or anything, I certainly enjoy them. Somewhat stupid action movies are one of the simple pleasures in life. (So are really stupid action movies, but only in small doses, and that's a post for another time, I think.)

Anyway, my sister and I frequently joke about the inherent ridiculousness of James Bond. He's pretty much the least secret agent imaginable. He wanders around everywhere, repeating his name for all to hear: "Bond... James Bond..." just in case they didn't hear it the first time.

Assuming they actually intend each Bond to be the same guy (a la Doctor Who), he's also got to be, what, ninety or a hundred years old by now? (Exaggeration for comic effect... I think. Although Dr. No kind of implied he was an old hand already, which means maybe I'm not exaggerating? Sheesh, he makes all the comic book heroes look like youngsters.)

Not the point. Bond is about as subtle as a sledgehammer. Seriously, he waltzes right into the evil mastermind's peripheral base of operations (often a casino or other "pleasure business"), finds the guy, announces himself by name, beats the guy at cards or something, hits on his girlfriend, and then chugs about a gallon of some kind of alcoholic beverage. (All the old Bond movies seemed to have a casino, although maybe my memories of them blend together.)

Considering all the hard livin' Bond gets up to, plus the fighting, his advanced age, etc., it's not a wonder he's not subtle. All they'd have to do is take out his suavity, and it might actually make some sense.

To wit:


Scene: A high-rise office. A CEO is sitting at the desk, apparently hard at work.

Suddenly, the doors get kicked down. Doing the kicking is Brain-Damaged Bond (BD Bond for short). A manic, unsettling expression is on his face.

CEO: What-who?
BD Bond: Bond, James Bond!

BD Bond repeatedly shoots the CEO with a Beretta.

BD Bond: License to kill! Ha ha ha!

An attractive female secretary walks up. She sees the body and screams.

Secretary: Aaaaah! Oh, no! Security!
BD Bond: (approaching her) Pretty lady!

She backs to a wall, then seizes a fire extinguisher from its place and beans him with it.

Cut scene to: BD Bond is on a hospital bed. M and Q are standing there.

M: Shouldn't we euthanize him? I'm beginning to think he's too dangerous to let live.
Q: He's still mostly controllable, and he's a useful weapon, yet.

Cue sinister music or something.

Okay, that broke down into weird territory even for me. (shrugs)

-Signing off. (Can you tell I still don't have access to YouTube?)

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