Greatly Belated Book Reviews: The Cometeers

The Cometeers (by Jack Williamson) is a sequel to a previous book entitled The Legion of Space. All I can really tell you about the previous book, however, is that it featured aliens which were well-described enough to be included in the excellent Barlowe's Guide to Extraterrestrials, a book of superb illustrations of extraterrestrial life forms from science fiction. (I highly recommend it.) That, and the fact that it featured the destruction of the Moon.

The plot, as expected, is space opera pulp fiction. This particular book (and by extension the book to which it is a sequel) features a SUPER SCIENCE WEAPON which is far more incredible than that used in The Star Kings-while it can't actually punch a hole in space, it can vaporize planets or-you guessed it-moons. As in, the Moon. Yes, this SUPER SCIENCE WEAPON, which was in fact used by a good guy, was used to destroy the Moon. This weapon, known as AKKA, somehow wipes matter from existence. Details are very obscure because only one person is supposed to know all the secrets of operation at a time. But here's the kicker-the keeper of the peace, the person who uses AKKA, keeps the weapon's components in her purse and mixed in to her jewelry. The weapon is, when fully assembled, apparently smaller than a big pair of binoculars (which they are used in moderately comparable fashion to-the keeper of the peace holds the device over her eyes). How, you are certainly asking, do they work? Well, since the keeper of the peace is the main character's mother (the previous book was set twenty years earlier, and he wasn't even a twinkle in her eye at that point), she tells him a little bit of the secret-the machine is actually just an aid, and controlling the weapon (which is immaterial) is a mental process. She keeps talking about a fulcrum, and also explains that there is only one fulcrum, so only one person can use AKKA-if two try, AKKA just won't work.

Note I mentioned that only one person is supposed to know the secret. This will be important.

Anyway, the story opens with our hero, young Bob Star (he's frequently described as young-since he's just out of his militaristic boarding school, I suppose that's appropriate), grumbling about needing space and being bored, because he's been basically imprisoned in his family's hereditary home on one of Mars' moons. Heh. And he's got a little fat guy named Giles Habibula and a big guy called Hal Samdu as bodyguards. Giles Habibula whines a lot, and ironically seems to have no actual combat skills-if I recall correctly, he never fired a weapon, whether handweapon or battleship cannon, throughout the entire book. He's some kind of mechanical genius, especially at lockpicking. (He's a former criminal, according to Wikipedia, but this is never mentioned within the book.) Hal Samdu... is barely mentioned, and doesn't speak, for nearly half the book. Strong silent type, I suppose... And later on, it sounds like he's still stuck on Bob Star's mother. Kind of poor choices for bodyguards, don't you think?

Anyway, MYSTERIOUS THINGS ARE AFOOT. There's a big scary comet thing which has everybody stirred up, and then Bob Star's dad, John Star, comes with urgent missives from the government-the mysterious comet thing must be destroyed AT ONCE. Because there have been invisible things causing trouble all over the Solar System, so they must be from the comet. So Bob's mom, Aladoree (it's not clear whether she took her husband's name as her married name, but her maiden name is Anthar for what it's worth) pulls out her AKKA assembly and gets ready to zap it out of existence, but the starship Invincible comes crashing into their lawn, its captain, Jay Kalam, armed with counter orders. They arrange an alternate plan, where the keeper of the peace is to be taken out of reach of the mysterious Cometeers, while Bob Star must go with Jay Kalam for unknown reasons to be dropped off on Neptune, while Kalam himself (apparently he was a big deal in the other book, and he does quite a bit of stuff in this one) takes the Invincible, which just happens to be the largest and most awesome of all battle craft built in the Solar System, out to attempt a diplomatic meeting with the Cometeers.

The mysterious mission on Neptune: Bob Star is supposed to man a button. The most important button, perhaps, in the Solar System. Only he can push this button. Seriously, Jay Kalam swore by the Legion of Space (a very solemn vow) that he would only allow Bob Star to push that button. What does the button do?

It floods the prison cell of a prisoner known as Merrin with poison gas. Who is Merrin? Tremble with fear, for the true name of Merrin is... Stephen Orco! (Of no relation to this Orko.) Stephen Orco is a name that probably means nothing to you, but it strikes fear into the likes of Bob Star. Why? Because Stephen Orco was the most brilliant guy ever to graduate from the Legion Academy (he was in his final year when Bob Star was there the first year-THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT) and among other things betrayed the Legion and built a "sun gun" which worked by improbable (read: FLAT OUT INCORRECT) physics to wreak destruction. Worst of all, he figured out how to use AKKA, and if given access to tools can keep the keeper of the peace from using it.

But before he caused trouble for the entire Solar System, he caused a whole lot of trouble for Bob Star. See, he's this really mean-hearted guy, and as part of the formalized hazing of the Legion Academy, each incoming student was supposed to follow an order from an outgoing student. Orco really didn't like Bob Star because he's the son of the keeper of the peace and also descended from the former royal family of the Solar System, and decides to be especially nasty and have him say very nasty things about his own parentage. Bob refuses, and so Orco straps a torture machine in the Legion museum to his head and starts shooting sonic waves through his brain.

Okay, something I haven't mentioned yet: This book, for a lack of a better term, is really, really gay (at least, in parts). I don't mean that in a pejorative way. I mean, read this and you'll see what I mean.

"Nine years ago." Bob Star's voice was hoarse with emotion. "On Earth, at the academy. He was in the graduating section, during my first term. He was handsome, brilliant. At first I was attracted to him. But then-"
He broke off abruptly, his face pale and hard.
"What happened, Bob?" Jay Kalam's tone was warm with a puzzled sympathy. "Did you quarrel?"
"It was our affair."

Yikes. Granted, I put that slightly out of context, but still. Yikes. There are a few more passages like this, but I won't get into them. Anyway, back to my summarization.

Orco, turning up the power on the torture device, demands that Bob Star say nasty things about his own parentage, and Bob Star continues to refuse; Orco calls him "pup" a lot. (Again, yikes.) Bob doesn't remember just what happened in the end, but mentions that he doesn't know if he actually can push the button-he thinks Orco broke him for life. (Maybe you're still too attracted to him. Ha ha.) But when he's sitting there, preparing to push the button and unable to, all of a sudden a girl appears in the wall, and she gestures urgently at the button. In his confusion, he hesitates, but starts towards the button. TOO LATE THE COMETEERS ARE HERE. They knock out Bob Star, Giles and Hal, and throw them onto Neptune's surface, where they do not die horrible deaths from decompression, toxic atmosphere, and cold. Why don't they kill them? Because Orco asked them to let them live, because it amuses him.

Then, it turns out that even though the Invincible is pretty much supposed to be unstoppable, the Cometeers dispose of it with ease. Jay Kalam decides to go down with the ship; this ironically saves his life, as the Cometeers gun down the escape pods.

The book goes on this way for a while-everyone stranded, unable to do anything, oh help the Cometeers are here and doing bad things that keep us from doing anything.

It turns out that the Cometeers aren't naturally invisible-they use mechanical aid. So what do they look like? A pair of stars, one red and one purple, with a swirling green column of gas stretched between them and a crystal ring encircling the column in the middle. Yes. Also, they're immortal, immaterial, can travel through space, and eat people. What.

The book continues on for a while, and eventually they're captured, along with a whole bunch of other people who are going to serve as livestock, but they start a riot and escape from the Cometeers' slaves (which are various gigantic material beings, all well described). They are joined, slightly earlier than this, actually, by the girl from the wall from earlier, who actually was operating a teleporter, speaks no English, and has INSTANT LOVE JUST ADD WATER with Bob Star (apparently he goes both ways). While Bob Star is unconscious, they manage to steal an invisibility machine and get past most of the defenses (i.e. the author skips a whole lot of action), and find themselves almost to where Kay (the non-English speaking girl) insists that there's a weapon that might work against the Cometeers. (Incidentally, it turns out her native tongue is actually Spanish, which Jay Kalam speaks a bit of. Hm.) They get there, and find-nothing. Then, Stephen Orco, who has been turned into a Cometeer (what, you thought that the Cometeers evolved to look like weird star formations? Don't be silly) and the ruler of the Cometeers show up and get ready to eat them. But Orco, being Orco, wants to gloat about stuff like how he's planning on eating Bob Star's mom and such, and the ruler is hesitant to just attack as long as Orco putters. And then, the vault turns out to have had the weapon hidden in subspace, and Bob Star pulls it out and swings it like a lightsaber at them. Then, all the Cometeers everywhere die. Great idea, keeping a weapon to keep your guys in line that can kill your entire race forever. Anyway, the reason the Cometeers' ruler was hesitant was because Orco was smarter than he was, and he wanted to stay on top with an ace up his sleeve.

By the way-Orco was so smart and attractive and all that stuff because he was an android made by a guy who made "companion" (read: sex) androids, and Orco was his "masterpiece" of unparalleled brilliance and whatnot.

This book has a lot of kind of fun elements, but I think it's mostly weaker than The Star Kings. It has a bigger, more interesting cast, for the most part, but it's much screwier and has odder foibles (for instance, all super science weapons cannot work against other super science weapons of the same type). But that's not to say that it's not fun. Look at the cover blurbs:

Front cover:

THE LEGION OF SPACE
takes a mad gamble to save
the Solar System from an
inhuman, invincible invader!

Woo, alliteration!

Back cover:

FOR LOVERS OF

SCIENCE FICTION ADVENTURE

IN THE GREAT TRADITION

OF "DOC" SMITH

------------------------------------

this classic LEGION OF SPACE epic, featuring

a spaceship twelve million miles long

the secret weapon that controls the Universe

a superhuman traitor to all mankind

-and, defying mortal peril, fantastic dangers,

and the dread powers of the invincible
Cometeers, the grandest trio of swashbucklers
in all of science fiction-Jay Kalam, Hal
Samdu, and the incomparable Giles Habibula!

Let's review just what all of those correspond to:

a spaceship twelve million miles long (the comet)
the secret weapon that controls the Universe (AKKA-I think you're exaggerating, blurber)
a superhuman traitor to all mankind (but he wasn't actually part of mankind, and makes a point of that fact)
-and defying blah blah blah nevermind.

Giles Habibula is only incomparable because no other SF writers of the time wanted to write characters who whine as much as he does. Just sayin'.

Anyway, I'll give mostly the same recommendation as for The Star Kings: If you find it cheap and don't mind the genre, go ahead and get it. And try not to laugh whenever you read about Orco and think of Orko. (I know I had to try pretty hard.)

Signing off.