Orcs Vs. Orcs

(Sorry, guys, got distracted reading Halopedia. Never played any Halo games, and I've got no particular interest in them, but boy, that's some epic storyline stuff, in the real sense of the word. I still have this short notion that I forgot yesterday, though.)

You know what I wonder?

What possessed J.R.R. Tolkein to decide to rename the goblins of Middle Earth "orcs?"

It's an established name from legend and myth, sure, but it had a radically different meaning from the creatures depicted in The Lord of the Rings and numerous imitative media since then.

Mostly, orcs were sea monsters. Aside from the fact that there is a genus of large dolphin often known as orcas (or killer whales-though I might explain sometime that there's evidence that orcas and killer whales can actually be considered different things), the orc was generally a massive, betentacled sea beast, sometimes paradoxically with the face of a lion.

Yes, really.

I also don't know why modern fantasy orcs are sometimes described as "pig-like," but there you go.

-Signing off.

Move Aside, Lancelot...

...and excuse me while I gripe about Arthurian legend.

Specifically, while I gripe about what Wikipedia claims is the only "fairy tale" which is set in the midst of Arthurian legend-the tale of Lanval. More specifically, it was written by somebody I've never heard of called Marie de France. This is sad, because it's a story that offends me on the level of feeling sympathy for excessive cruelty and lack of sympathy for a female character.

Lanval is the story of some knight, who was everybody's favorite knight, because he was just so darned nice! (If you are wounded by the sheer level of my sarcasm, I apologize. It's just that Lanval has nearly surpassed Lancelot as my absolute least favorite Arthurian knight of all time.) He gave everything he had to the poor, and spent all his time doing knight things. Thus, he had little money left over, and relied entirely on the charity of the king.

But that rhymes-with-witch, Guinevere, hated him because he'd refused her advances on him. (Sorry again about the sarcasm.) So she told Arthur all kinds of fibs to make Arthur hate him and not give him money. He got poor, and had to sell his armor and his horse and stuff, and leave. Poor Lanval! (Stupid unintentional pun.)

But then Lanval met a beautiful fairy queen, and she gave him magic armor and a giant horse and a bottomless moneybag, and also love. (I am not making this up. That's exactly what she gave him.) Yay, Lanval! Now, he could give stuff to the poor again. But she warns him not to tell anybody about her and their relationship, or she'll never speak to him again.

Then, after Lanval gives tons of money to the poor and returns to Arthur's court, Guinevere accuses him of "not liking women," i.e. liking men instead. (The exact phraseology of her accusation depends on the text, as many versions were bowdlerized.) He responds that his girlfriend is much prettier than she is. Oops, mentioned the fairy queen! Poor, stupid Lanval!

Lanval runs around like a ninny, his gifts gone, looking for her, but he can't find her. Poor Lanval. Meanwhile, that mean old Guinevere tells Arthur that Lanval slandered her by claiming his girlfriend was better-looking than her, and Arthur sends his knights to catch him. They round him up and put him on trial.

Fortunately for Lanval, the fairy queen shows up just long enough to prove that yes, she is indeed prettier than mean ol' Guinevere. But then she leaves really fast. He chases her, catches up to her, and nobody in the mortal world ever sees him again, because she took him to the fairy world.

What a stupid, stupid story.

The Arthurian tales are subject to a lot of interpretation, but the one thing that always bothers me (other than Lancelot) is treating Guinevere like some kind of shrieking harpy.

-Signing off.

On The Subject of King Arthur...

There have been many, many adaptations of the King Arthur myths and legends, over and over again. (It started early, as mentioned here.)

Several have been cartoons, of course.

I remember watching this one.



But not this one. (Not a wonder, because it was never dubbed into English.)



Then there's the video game (or whatever) that I've heard about where "King" Arthur is a cross-dressing underage anime girl...

Moving on.

Over the years, I've read many iterations of the King Arthur mythology. It's just something that appeals to me. (This is the best modern reinterpretation, bar none-it actually makes some historical sense. The historical inconsistencies can be listed in eight bullet points, where any other effort ever made at Arthurian legend would only be able to do such short a list by listing the things it had in common with history. I mean, for crying out loud-T. H. White's version had Robin Hood [excuse me, Robin Wood] older than Arthur. What. [If you don't know, if Arthur actually existed, he lived somewhere between 300 AD and 500 AD. Robin Hood's legend was set during the reign of Richard the First, who was part of the post-Norman Invasion royalty. The Norman Invasion took place in 1066 AD. Seriously, White, what.]) They tend to follow the same general gist-Arthur takes the throne despite various obstacles (such as being the previous king's illegitimate son), he turns out to be a pretty tough fighter and a pretty nice guy, and then he dies too young. There's usually a form of Merlin, and sadly there's usually a form of Lancelot. (I hate Lancelot. I disagree with the sentiment that many have that Lancelot makes the whole legend.)

Less familiar are the Charlemagne legends. These are interesting if for no other reason than one of the major participants is a woman. A woman knight. (Her name is Bradamante, in case you're interested.) That, and they are (in the version I've read, anyway) worked into the Arthurian framework.

Hm... I'm sure I could say more, but my time has been eaten by my computer. Sigh. I may resume this later.

-Signing off.

A Random Proposal

You know what really needs to be made into some kind of comic or anime? Greek inventors.

Archimedes is purported to have singlehandedly been responsible for the defense of his home city, Syracuse, against the freaking Roman legions. Obviously, not through feats of physical prowess or any such thing, but by means of "toys" which had no "scientific value." Some of these supposed devices and tricks include the famous "heat ray" and the less well known but in some ways more impressive (and awesomely named) Claw of Archimedes. What was... The Claw? (Imagine that in the Little Green Man voice chorus from Toy Story.) It was, based on contemporary descriptions, a massive crane arm that tipped over attacking ships. Incidentally, the defenses, impressive as they were, were eventually overwhelmed, and Archimedes was stabbed and killed by a Roman soldier who had been sent to capture him, according to report because he was busy contemplating a mathematical diagram he was poring over. (His last words were supposedly "Do not disturb my circles [mathematical diagrams]!" although there's no mention of such in the earliest account of his death.) On a less exciting note, he was also supposed to have designed a number of implements, mathematical formulae, etc., including a massive ship which was supposed to have been the biggest of the era.

Then there's the amusingly named Hero (or Heron), regarded as perhaps the greatest inventor of the ancient world. He's supposed to be the originator of many useful inventions, such as the siphon (which he apparently applied in the world's first fire-extinguishing water pump). Of course, many of his inventions are probably improvements on the earlier inventor Ctesibius (AKA the hardest to spell Greek inventor), who made a number of things, including the predecessor of the pipe organ.

Then, there's the probably purely fictional Greek Inventor, Daedalus. He's most famous for designing the wax wings which Icarus flew too close to the Sun with. He also did a ton of other things, including, according to one myth, shove his brilliant nephew off of a cliff because his nephew was too smart. (His nephew was called Talos in some accounts. Also according to these accounts, Talos [also known as Perdix and Calos] was responsible for creating a way of housing human souls in machinery to make them immortal, which is an eerie and possibly intentional parallel to the other Talos, a giant made of bronze that defended the island of Crete, upon which Daedalus lived for many years, and for whose ruler he built the Labyrinth.)

How could an adaptation of these guys' lives, preferably a horrifically historically inaccurate one, not be totally awesome?

-Signing off.