You'd Think He'd Test His Powers On Some Other Object Before Leaping To Such A Conclusion

So...



Did they run out of villains who actually were Fantastic Four characters, and that's why they turned to (a hilarious rendition of) Magneto?

I mean, there's nothing wrong with using Magneto in a non-X-Men show, it's just... silly. (Not that this wasn't silly already.)

-Signing off.

Pun Attack

This clip is weird for me. Why?



It's not because of the awful puns or the rather bizarre violence. It's because my introduction to Plastic Man happened to be a really old story that featured Granite Lady/Lady Granite (in some kind of book that reprinted old comics that I was borrowing from the library-it's the only thing I actually remember from it).

Considering I have almost no familiarity with Plastic Man at all, that I should know of that specific character (who doesn't have a Wikipedia page, among other levels of being obscure) strikes me as weird as all heck.

(Also, I remember the story disturbing my young self deeply. Using a jackhammer on a person was a very unsettling thought, and I also couldn't quite suss out why the characters were doing any given thing [I had a pretty simplistic grasp on plot at the time], so it left me wondering why Plastic Man and the Granite Lady were fighting.)

-Signing off.

Microwave Love: Hot Sandwiches

Warning: It is possible that only long-time fans of the Homestar Runner website will find today's post amusing, by imagining the phrase "hot sandwiches" as said by the fictional commercial mascot Marshie. (It's the main reason I find this so funny, I have to admit. My sister finds it funny because I can do a decent Marshie impression.)



The microwave advertisers take another shot at traditional cooking devices in this one, with the assertion that it's much too hard to prepare a hot dog using a stove.

Okay, so let me get this straight:

1. You need to heat the burner, the pan, and the water as completely separate steps? The heck?

2. ...Why is the pan upset at the "weiner" jumping into it? And why is the oven upset at being heated? (The microwave always seems happy enough to do all this stuff...)

3. What if you don't like heated buns, or cheese on your hot dogs? Actually, I've hardly ever heard of people putting cheese on "regular" hot dogs. I guess that used to be a thing back in the day (and possibly in places other than Ohio)?

4. Well, of course that's inefficient if you're just making one or two hot dogs!

5. Anybody worth their salt taking care of a mess in the kitchen will clean everything at once, so how does using the stove and oven make any difference?

Of course, a microwave is pretty much the best tool for cooking up hot dogs unless you like them grilled, but if you're going to attack a competing product, you ought to have legitimate reasons.

The lack of even-handedness arises again:

1. Cheese and relish? You're not allowed to put relish in a hot dog you cooked on a stove? I call foul! (Not that I'd want either on a hot dog of mine, I'm kind of a plain with ketchup man myself. I also rather prefer spicy sausages with no toppings to hot dogs, but at that point the whole argument becomes kind of moot.)

2. Wrapping it in a paper towel is... actually not that bad an idea, although once again, what if you don't like heated buns?

3. Suddenly, I saw an eye in the hot dog in the microwave. NOW I CAN'T UNSEE IT. (Even better, the Marshie commercial music is going through my head continuously.)

4. Wait, I just noticed-the lightning bolt's toque is green in one image, and blue in the other? Different hat, or different lightning bolt?!

The list of things one can prepare in similar fashion continues...

"Barbecued luncheon sandwiches?" Is that really a phrase people used to use? "Oh, I say, hand me one of those barbecued luncheon sandwiches, it will go right well with this glass of lemonade I'm preparing to quaff!"

Ultimately, I think we can all agree one on thing, though: HOT SANDWICHES.

Sandwiches.

-Signing off.

Invid's Guide to the Star Wars Universe: Alien Species (#60)

591. Krikthasi. Krikthasi are cool/freaky-looking mollusk things that are supposedly marine beings, but kind of look like they're on land in both of their images. Their name looks fun to say. Their home planet is Baralou.

Rating: 3/5. Looking kind of neat/freaky can get you a long way on these scores, considering that the amount of information other than pictures on Wookieepedia is shorter than what I wrote in this entry.

592. Krish. While the image shows that Krish have bony head ridges (like dozens upon dozens of Klingon-inspired Rubber Forehead Aliens), it's interesting to note that their entry describes them as smooth-skinned.

Apparently, they're something of a bunch of lazy layabouts or something, as they're described as liking games but also unreliable in business.

You kids these days, you need to shape up and... Never mind.

Their home planet is either called Sanza or Krish, depending on who you ask.

Rating: 1/5. Lame.

593. Kroctari. The Kroctari are capable of speaking Basic (English), but do so with an accent full of burps, wheezes, and other such noises.

Best accent ever?

They also were a very unreasonable party during some heavy political stuff at one point.

Rating: 3/5. Apparently, burping and wheezing when you talk and being a bunch of unreasonable screaming mimis to make a political crisis worse will get you about as far as looking cool.

594. Krozurbians. The Krozurbians had been engaged in a two-hundred-year-long civil war amongst themselves when an Ithorian came and fed a meeting full of the opposed war leaders steaks full of happy drugs. This brought the war to a close, because clearly the war must not have had any socioeconomic reasons beyond cranky leaders for being perpetuated for over two hundred years.

The picture of one looks very cheerful. Presumably this is due to the happy drugs.

Rating: 3/5. Poor happy drugged guys. They never knew what hit them. (Also, I thought Ithorians were against slaughtering animals... Hmmm...)

595. Krytollaks. Krytollaks are heavy-shelled and adorably cranky-looking beings with a very rigid social structure based around absolute dictatorship. This made them ardent supporters of the Empire despite wide complaints about high Imperial taxes (they blamed the Emperor's aides for the taxes, because obviously it couldn't be the guy with all the power taxing them senseless).

Their social system also involves the royalty having green shells, and when brown-shelled children are born to royals, they count as royals, but if their children have brown shells too, they don't. (The description is slightly ambiguous-if a brown-shelled royal has brown-shelled children, it sounds a bit like that royal gets kicked out, but maybe not.)

Apparently, Krytollaks tend to grow their whole lives and live for about a century without losing much of their strength or vigor. At their largest, they're rather bigger than Wookiees. They have a tendency to embrace rather violent physical activities because of their shells, which are more than sturdy enough to protect them from a lot of things.

Rating: 4/5. They look neat, they've got a pretty detailed society with ramifications from their anatomy that make sense, and they have an unusual political stance. Good stuff.

596. Ktilacs. Along with two other races, the Ktilacs of Ktil rule(d) the Ktilac Regions.

Rating: 2/5. Modestly evocative idea. It's interesting to note that their co-rulers have a lot more information on them even when the regions are named after them.

597. Kuarans. Kuarans are apparently very humanlike, but taller, lack hair, and poorly adapted to sunlight, suggesting a subterranean species. They're also supposedly strikingly beautiful to humans. They were driven to near extinction by the Mandalorians well before the movie era, because that's a thing the Mandalorians did a lot back then.

Rating: 3/5. This is a bit of a high rating for a group of "near-humans," but they're a fair bit more interesting than most such.

598. Kubaz. The Kubaz are descendants of burrowing insectivorous mammals who are still, in fact, burrowing insectivorous mammals. That guy wearing goggles who followed Obi-Wan and Luke around, talking into a commlink and taking money from stormtroopers? He's a Kubaz.

The Kubaz have the dubious distinction of possibly disturbing me personally more than any other single Star Wars aliens. Why? Because they're not terribly picky about what they'll eat, and will happily sample anything, as long as one might describe it as an "insect," "insectoid," or "insect-like." In other words, they're (science fiction/fantasy definition) cannibals who justify it by saying "Eh, they're bugs."

Rating: 3/5. They get this much because, as I've noted indirectly a few times, every fictional setting needs some creeps.

599. Kulless. The Kulless are rather ugly guys with gaunt, skull-like faces, stumpy legs, long arms with huge hands, and thick, heavy tails. (The limbs of the pictured one are much too thin, but I'm willing to forgive this because I like the image in general.) One was apparently a successful podracer.

Rating: 3/5. Sometimes, you just need to have some kinda ugly stumpy guys around.

600. Kumumgah. The Kumumgah inhabited a lush planet about 25,000 years before the movie era.

Against the wishes of the Kumumgah elders, Kumumgah explorers started exploring the galaxy. This attracted the attention of the Infinite Empire, a group ruled by one of the oldest and most evil bunches in the history of the Star Wars galaxy. The Infinite Empire conquered them, and when they rebelled, the Empire bombed their homeworld so hard that its surface turned to glass, which would eventually erode into sand.

Descendants of the Kumumgah would become the Sand People and the Jawas, and the planet would become known as Tatooine.

And now you know... the rest of the story.

Rating: 4/5. I was considering whether or not Tatooine really needed an origin, but I eventually decided it did, because I don't think it's really likely that a planet could have life on it if it lacked oceans. If the oceans' destruction was geologically recent, it's less unbelievable, though how there's any animal life on the planet at all is still questionable when the destruction was so thorough. Let's just say the Kumumgah must have had great bomb shelters and leave it at that.

-Signing off.

And Now He Does That Automatically About Half The Time

Anybody remember the picture of a kitten I put in this blog, oh, almost a year ago now?

Yeah, this one.

Well, it being almost a year later, that little guy...

He's not so little.

He still does that silly kittenish thing, though. Obviously.

(And no, I'm not going to explain the toy mice being there.)

-Signing off.

I Was Doing Something Else Today

I was in the mood to talk about stuff on some other blog, so I did. I'm afraid that leaves me with insufficient time and energy to do much of anything here, so if you're not interested in the Yu-Gi-Oh! card game and in me rambling, you're a bit out of luck.

If you are interested in that, well, presumably you're in luck.

-Signing off.

Invid's Guide to the Star Wars Universe: Alien Species (#59)

581. Kodaians. Kodaians apparently are skittish, and those that still live on their homeworld several centuries after a disaster there (most apparently fled) think that "strangers" cause disasters. Even though the disaster that freaked them out so much was a flood, they comb their world's beaches every ten years looking for treasure. Or something.

Rating: 2/5. ...Honestly, these sound as much or more like traits you'd give a culture in a medieval fantasy setting, not an alien species.

582. Kon'me. The Kon'me are a race that apparently were long distrustful of outsiders and avoided involvement in outside affairs. When cortosis, a rare material useful for combating lightsabers, was discovered to be rather plentiful there during the Clone Wars, the Confederacy showed up and demanded access. The Kon'me leaders acceded to Confederacy demands, but the lower-class Kon'me decided they were invaders and launched a rebellious counter-attack. Even though the Republic sent forces to help the Kon'me against the Confederacy, the Kon'me rebels saw everybody as invaders, and apparently chased all outworlders off.

The Kon'me are rather hulking pinkish lizard guys. I think I'd like to see how they'd be rendered in a style other than that of Genndy Tartakovsky's Clone Wars style, because even as nicely animated as those are, their style is very... stylistic.

Rating: 4/5. It's rather nice to see a native society not just get steamrollered by the bigger polities of the galaxy, even if it's not necessarily realistic. (Note that they aren't a primitive native society, at least not by the average standard.)

583. Koorivar. Apparently, at some point in their history, the Koorivar were known by some other name and lived on their original homeworld, which orbited a dangerously unstable star. They taught themselves to be "corporate-minded," and so were able to make enough money to buy themselves another planet, Kooriva, from which their current name comes.

Their language is soft and whispery and they are adept at reading body language, and supposedly this helps make them business expert types.

The main thing that stands out about their appearance are these rather hilarious huge spiral-shaped horns on their heads. I mean, I look at them and almost can't keep from laughing. It's like those silly robots with drills on their heads. Even by the standards of "well, it's for display," they seem rather implausible. Apparently, these horns affect their social status somehow, as large-horned ones have higher social status (attributed to genetic predisposition to being better at business... right...), and one who had lost his horn seemed to have become a mildly insane outcast (though still a high-ranked individual).

Also, the female Koorivar appear to be identical except perhaps in color (the males I've seen are green, while the one female I've seen is naturally pink), so the lack of obvious differentiation is in their favor in terms of not being incredibly silly.

Rating: 3/5. Some of the stuff about their social status seems to be attempts at revision or disagreement between different writers.

584. Kooroo. The Kooroo are believed to have founded the Fellowship of Kooroo, a religious organization that may have been more than 20,000 years old in the era of the movies. They may have built some shrines as well, though that might have been the Fellowship later on. But the Old Republic never figured out who the Kooroo actually were, that is, they never "discovered" them. It is also possible that Kooroo was a single being. The Fellowship also had some members who were scamming other members.

So, um, it's a mystery.

Rating: 2/5. A mystery with a little bit of potential.

585. Kordans. The Kordans are hulking gorilla-like beings, towering taller than Wookiees even when hunched over. They unfortunately are described in a rather demeaning way on Wookieepedia that seems to ignore the fact that humans are essentially also monkey-stock. Yes, they're simian, guys. So are we.

Ahem.

Anyway, apparently the Kordans were a primitive bunch (in the technological and cultural sense) who were manipulated by a splinter group of Mandalorians called the Death Watch and armed with advanced weapons and tactics in order to help the Death Watch ambush the main group of Mandalorians lead by Jaster Mereel, who was the big leader ("Mandalore") of the Mandalorians at the time, leading to Mereel's death and to Jango Fett taking over as Mandalore.

That's about it.

Rating: 3/5. I think I'm being generous because it gives me the notion that there are a bunch of heavily armed gorilla people out there in the Star Wars galaxy, even if they aren't exactly our idea of what gorillas are.

586. Korfani. One Korfani by the name of Adranax (which is a very cool name) was a poet. His poetry...

"Why mourn for tomorrow in tears today

When current fleeting hours not long shall stay?

Come stroll with me, we shall find your lost peace

In an old friend's arms and a gentle kiss."

...kinda makes me want to puke. ("Peace"/"kiss"? That's an awful rhyme, and I should know because I'm a world-class terribly rhymer.)

Rating: 1/5. I guess I shouldn't be so harsh, but... Sheesh.

587. Kowakian monkey-lizards. Remember that weird little malicious bird/monkey/reptile thing that sat around in Jabba's palace laughing like a Muppet at everything (because technically it was a Muppet) and chewed C-3P0's eye out? He was a Kowakian monkey-lizard named Salacious B. Crumb.

Whether monkey-lizards are actually sapient is a hotly debated subject, but it seems rather likely, as not only was Crumb smart enough to get lots of attention and still survive in a place where such was very dangerous (Jabba's palace, of course), but at least one admittedly mutated monkey-lizard also was a Dark Jedi. (He was paired with another mutated being, Gorc, who was apparently a Gamorrean by birth; they called each other brothers and claimed to be twins. It's actually a teensy bit cute, in a rather twisted way.)

Apparently, they basically live as monkeys, the difference being they lay eggs.

Rating: 3/5. Eh, I don't know.

588. Krakai. The Krakai are freaking awesome-looking monstrous things created by the DarkStryder, the creation of the Kathol that... um... it created.

Unfortunately, Wookieepedia is pretty light on information beyond the awesome picture.

Rating: 4/5. They just look that awesome.

589. Krevaaki. There are exactly three known Krevaaki. Two were Jedi and one was a Sith Lord. Apparently they don't have a lot of other job opportunities for cool-looking tentacled lobster guys that aren't much good at doing things other than holding walking sticks and lightsabers.

In all seriousness, in all the pictures I've ever seen of Krevaaki they either weren't doing anything at all or they were holding lightsabers or walking sticks. It's like they can't even do anything else.

It's also notable that all noted appearances of the Krevaaki come from a minimum of five or six hundred years before the films' era.

Rating: 4/5. They look pretty cool, and if you're going to have old alien Jedi hanging around leaning on walking sticks, they might as well be either unassuming (i.e. Yoda) or cool.

590. Krieks. Krieks are toothy tortoise things. (Note that all modern turtle species lack teeth, which makes the eternal grimaces of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures particularly ironic.) They are attributed as being inhabitants of a planet called Kriekaal, which is said to have seas made of molten duranium and constantly disintegrating and re-forming continents also made of the material, which suggests to me that the people who made this attribution don't have any darned idea what kind of conditions are necessary for life. (Said planet is also mythologically attributed as the death place of some kind of unknown alien named Ssiskor-said legends claimed it was a supernatural event in which the oceans destroyed said alien, but I don't think that oceans made of a molten material which normally requires lightsabers to melt would really require supernatural events to destroy a living being.)

What really matters is that the Krieks are cool tortoise guys. (Well, at least one picture indicates they are, anyway.)

Rating: 3/5. That background stuff is stupid, but I like turtle guys, especially ones who look like they could thrash you with one forelimb and no perceptible effort beyond balancing.

-Signing off.

LOTS OF BULLETS

This commercial is hilarious for some reason.



First, the fact that they have dual shoulder-mounted gatling cannons is funny in itself-as gatling cannons can fire about a thousand rounds a minute, well, why would you need two?

Second, the implication that this is the first time Transformers have ever had such cool weapons.

Yeah, you really want to imply cool weapons have never appeared in Transformers before?

-Signing off.

ARE YOU READY TO FEEL THE PAIN?!

I find Magic: The Gathering to be a fascinating game, though I don't own any cards and I've never played it.

Back in the day, it had some pretty weird but great and memorable commercials. This one is probably my favorite.



"PLAY MY CARD, YA MORON! I'M UNBLOCKABLE*!"

*Having since learned stuff about the game, Rhox is not, in fact, "unblockable." It/he can deal damage as if unblocked. There is in fact a difference. Yes, I'm a nerd and pick at things, why do you ask?

-Signing off.

Weaving Larger Webs

For some reason, the yard of the house I've lived most of my life in has had what seems to be an explosion in its spider population. I've seen more spiders out in the open than I think I've ever seen in my life this last summer.

And they aren't little spiders, either-they're big ones.

You can't tell exactly (haven't exactly got a great camera), but this is a pretty good-sized spider for Northern Ohio. My fairly large fingers for comparison:

What you really can't tell is that it's strung this web, which is about two feet wide and at least that tall, between a pair of bird feeders. Bird feeders which have not seen much bird traffic lately.

(Granted, it's probably more because the feeders haven't been getting filled-it's not like this spider is big enough to catch even a pretty small bird, unlike some from Australia and South America...)

In fact, it's getting hard to walk around the property at night. There's a small orchard where some spiders have built webs larger than this one at night, big enough one almost gets the impression they're trying to catch themselves some human-sized prey. (Those of us that walk around out at night now take other paths.)

I haven't made up a single word of any of this.

-Signing off.

"Wreck-It Ralph" Is A Nonindicative Title, Considering

I've been hearing about this movie, and this is the trailer that convinced me that it might well be worth watching just for the pop culture stuff.



I mean, holy cheese. At the very least, my video game-obsessed kid brother is going to blow a fuse.

-Signing off.

Yes, I Just Said A Big-Chinned Purple Man Doesn't Look Ridiculous

Y'know, I'm well aware this isn't really what you would call "timely," but I don't care. I think I've decided timeliness is only moderately relevant on the internet, as long as it's something that gets archived.

Anyway, something something Avengers film something something Thanos something something pretty awesome really.



What really amazes me about this is that they did the Kirby-esque chin and everything, so he really looks like Thanos, and at the same time, he also looks really good and not actually cheesy and ridiculous.

Special effects have come a long way, baby.

-Signing off.

Microwave Love: Safety and Microwaves

(In case you missed the post where I first mentioned this.)

We begin our exploration of Love is Cooking With Microwaves on a somber note.

Microwaves once had an uphill battle to fight (little wonder, when the first public model was larger and heavier than most modern refrigerators and cost more than a new car). Thus, scare tactics yell at you from the back cover, where you're likelier to see them.

There was a time when I would have pointed and laughed at this and made jokes about use of scare tactics, which seem absurd in the present. However, this is a real safety issue, and a friend of my sister's lost her little boy to exactly what "Junior" there is doing.

So yeah, I can't laugh at that or encourage you to.

I can encourage you to laugh at this:

You know that destruction of the English language that people complain about due to the internet and text messaging making people abbreviate overmuch? It actually started here, on the back cover of some weird pamphlet. (We'll revisit the subject of microwave safety in a little bit.)

Also holy cheese there's something inexplicably disturbing about that lightning bolt microwave guy.

1. Why is he sweating?

2. Why is there a smaller version of him holding up a sign from inside the microwave?

The questions only intensify as we turn to the inside front cover:

3. How is the thought of a bunch of sperm-shaped lightning men wearing toques bouncing around on your food supposed to encourage you to use a microwave?

4. "Travel 2 1/2 billion times per second..." What the heck is that supposed to mean? "Travel through the inside of the microwave 2.5 billion times per second," perhaps?

5. Friction? No, that's not how it works, actually.

It gets, um, better...

6. If there's no heat inside a microwave oven, where'd you get a match, lightning bolt guy?

7. Actually, those plastics... For that matter, nobody being hurt by a microwave oven... Those things aren't true.

Anyway, let's wrap this up for today with... um, this.

"They cannot heat container!" (False. Also, I know I added the exclamation point, but it just seems wrong without it.)

"Only heats the food!" (Also false.)

"Cook with time only!" (...What is that even supposed to mean? Are you trying to claim that you don't need electricity or something? What? What? ...Sorry, I had a moment there. It's like Engrish before Engrish or something.)

Join me next time, when we talk about... hot sandwiches!

-Signing off.

The Flash Owns Batman

Y'know, I like Batman as much as the next guy (as long as the next guy isn't Chris Sims), but the exaggerated invincible mega-Batman that people often portray him as is kind of missing the point. Batman is supposed to be significantly more vulnerable than the superhumans around him, but able to keep up anyway.

Which is why moments like this one are important.



Flash takes down alternate Batman in three seconds while all of him but one arm is tied down.

He could have done it faster, but he wanted us to see. Showoff.

-Signing off.

Invid's Guide to the Star Wars Universe: Alien Species (#58)

571. Klatooinians. Aside from being part of the The Day The Earth Stood Still in-joke (which annoys me just a smidgen, seeing as how I ended up hating that movie), the Klatooinians made their first contact with starfaring races with the Hutts.

It didn't end well for them, as they signed a treaty that promised they would be slaves of the Hutts forever.

Yeah.

They were signed on to help the Hutts defeat Xim the Despot, among the earliest-living named humans in the history of the Star Wars galaxy and certainly the most historically significant human of his time period. Apparently, their modern culture involves teaching their youngsters that the Hutts are gods, and then selling them into slavery when they reach the age of ten. There are, of course, rebellious Klatooinians, but they tend to get sold into really dangerous positions.

Rating: 3/5. They kind of help make a point I discussed about the Hutts previously, that being that the Hutts are more a remaining government of an old, vestigial empire (and self-proclaimed deities) than actually a bunch of crimelords.

572. Klee. They were rendered extinct by Xim, to hear a Hutt playwright tell it.

Rating: 2/5. I've mentioned that I find the idea of a Hutt playwright rather amusing, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure I've also mentioned that they're of very mildly dubious authenticity.

573. Kler'terrians. Kler'terrians have four arms and three eyes on stalks. One had a paunch and was a bartender.

Rating: 2/5. Mildly amusing-looking, but kind of... I don't know, I'm not really feeling it, as they say.

574. Kli'aari. Four-armed (again?) and "known" for gentle natures and mechanical skills.

They apparently are widespread through a specific region of space, living in small communities dispersed there.

Rating: 3/5. I like the detail of their enclaves, and while there's no image of them, they at least have multiple described features.

575. Kloodavians. Kloodavians have an amusing name. They can regenerate lost limbs and are among the mind-trick resistant species. They apparently are small, yellow-skinned "reptilians."

Rating: 4/5. A lot of potential, and an awful lot of descriptive stuff in very little space.

576. Kloperians. Kloperians are apparently short, gray-skinned, have fishlike eyes, and have "extensible" necks and tentacles, some of which have hands at the ends.

They have a "natural affinity for mechanics." I think that they could have chosen a better word to describe their natural affinity for mechanical things than "mechanics" because I have a mental image of some being friendly with guys in coveralls.

Anyway, apparently they're good at that kind of thing because of their many hands on flexible appendages and their heads on long, flexible necks. Sadly, there's no pictures.

Rating: 4/5. They sound like they'd be visually interesting. Also, apparently they express indignation by wrapping their tentacles around themselves, which is funny.

577. Kluuzot. Sapient lemuroids from Krann...

Rating: 2/5. ...would be a good name for a rock band. (All we know is that their world was taken over by the Empire, freed, and they didn't join the Alliance-and you need to look at their homeworld's entry, not theirs, to find that out. Dime a dozen, that sort.)

578. Klytonians. Supposedly, Klytonians were in that good ol' cantina. They could talk to each other from across the room despite the din because their scales let them exchange electrical signals from across the room.

What? Your scales don't do that?

Anyway, by some point, their homeworld became one of the many in the "Hutt dependencies," i.e. it was basically something like the Eastern Bloc, but for the Hutts instead of the Soviet Union. (Only not, because of course that's ridiculous. The Hutts aren't really in a cold war with anybody, after all. Don't listen to me, I'm insane.)

Rating: 3/5. A lot of potential. "Hutt Dependencies" would also be a great name for a rock band.

579. Knowledge Bank. The Knowledge Bank is a group of sapient bivalve mollusks that collect knowledge telepathically from the fish of Mon Calamari's (the homeworld of Admiral "It's a Trap!" Ackbar and his species as well as a group of Cthulhu-faces called the Quarren) oceans, and basically serve as a living historical record of everything that has happened there.

Let me rephrase that.

The Knowledge Bank are a bunch of nigh-omniscient mind-reading clams.

The Mon Calamari and Quarren view the Knowledge Bank as sacred, and try to hide its existence from outsiders.

Rating: 5/5. What part of "nigh-omniscient mind-reading clams" don't you understand?

580. Koboks. Koboks are apparently very strong, rather skeletal insectoid humanoids (ha!). They have one eye in the backs of their heads and can see in 360 degrees; they also have a venom dispensed from spikes on all their limbs that can knock out victims for several hours. They apparently have flexible faces that can convey expressions despite their exoskeletons.

Their problems keeping treaties and tendency to take violent professions off their homeworld gives them a reputation for being violent and sneaky.

Rating: 4/5. I've talked a few times about how this group or that group can be excused for being portrayed as "always chaotic evil" or whatever because of their potential for creating interesting stories. I think these guys are among that group.

-Signing off.

From The Past, I Bring You... THE FUTURE

So lately I've been preparing to move into a new house. The bulk of this activity is actually going through the previous occupant's possessions (being an acquaintance of the previous occupant, we're doing her a favor), and every now and again we find something rather... weird.

Case in point, this item of unknown origin.

When I say "item of unknown origin," this is a magazine-sized pamphlet. It has no publishing information in it. At all. (Also, I kept wondering if that asterisk had anything to do with anything. It doesn't, it's just there.)

As idly amusing as the cover is, that's nothing compared to the interior. So prepare yourselves for the ongoing painful and stupid analysis of Love Is Cooking With Microwaves.

(Also, credit where credit is due: My awesome sister went through and scanned every page and made them look better than they do in person.)

-Signing off.

Gladiator Does Not Care That You Are The Juggernaut

If you've ever watched a certain memetic video, you know how this ends.



Even outside of the memetic part, it's still funny.

-Signing off.

(Ironic Attempt At) Irony

I'm kind of inclined to think that when they made this advertisement for a Volkswagen Beetle that shows a beetle zipping along, they were trying for a bit of exaggerated irony.



The real irony? No small number of beetles are crazy fast already. (To compare without you having to go to another site and look around, a tiger beetle can go over five miles per hour, which is a lot when you're that tiny, and is comparable to a human running at over half the speed of sound.

On a semi-related note, one kind of tiger beetle, Manticora, is seen in African folklore as a harbinger of death comparable to the Grim Reaper. Tiger beetles are cool.)

-Signing off.

Invid's Guide to the Star Wars Universe: Alien Species (#57)

561. Kiffar. The Kiffar (sometimes mistakenly called the Kiffu [ha] after their planet) are near-humans. About one in a hundred possess a Force-based psychometry-like ability. A very few with Jedi training could learn to read live people.

Rating: 1/5. Boring. Give me something totally bizarre with psychometry whose entire culture has been warped by it and we'll talk. (Actually, that's a pretty interesting concept for an alien species/fantasy race. Do want.)

562. Kikla. The kikla (note the lowercase) come from what seems to be a Kaminoan myth, and thus might be entirely mythological (or nonsapient animals that were characterized as having intelligence and speech in stories). They're probably essentially fish.

They are part of an interesting story, because said story involves a fight between beings called Protas and Melkorr which are described as a "monster-god" and a "dark titan" respectively; Protas whupped Melkorr and then the kikla in battles for dominance, but then was beaten by a pod of flying whales who weren't interested in fighting but in completing their winter migration.

Alien mythology is boss, yo.

Rating: 1/5. ...Though the kikla themselves are near-nonentities.

563. Killam. Their planet is also called Killam (well, Quas Killam). And... that's it.

Rating: 1/5. Their name sounds like the setup for a pun involving the Death Star.

564. Killiks. The Killiks were the original natives of a planet you might have heard of called Alderaan. According to some (namely themselves) they built some big powerful ancient artifacts, apparently under commission from the increasingly boring and convoluted Celestials. They also fought wars with a bunch of the other super-ancient civilizations.

They disappeared from view a long time ago, and most assumed them extinct, but they totally turned out to be fine and wandering around doing their thing.

They are, since I haven't brought that up just yet, hive-minded insects who may accept non-Killiks, which they call Joiners, into their hives. They come in many different sizes and with many different functions.

While this is often a formula for a terrible, generic species, the Killiks dodge this by being friendly and overeager, and thus actually a bit more terrifying than the generic bug aliens you usually see in science fiction. They'll invade, they'll tell you it's for your own good, and they'll try really hard to make friends while they're also actively attacking you.

Rating: 4/5. The point off is actually just because they're associated with the increasingly icky Celestials. The fact that they are would be good if those guys weren't putting me off more and more every time I read about them...

565. Kilmaulsi. The Kilmaulsi are ugly green bird guys. Apparently, they were warlike until they came into contact with other worlds, at which point they put aside their warlike ways and came to frequently be employed as hired toughs and mercenaries.

Yes, really, that's more or less how the article describes them. I kid a bit, as the behavior they stopped was internal warfare, not general violence, but still, it's a bit ironic.

They have that stupid berserker rage thing, too.

Rating: 3/5. They're cool-looking ugly green bird guys. That can do a fair bit, and they aren't stereotypical birds.

566. Kindalo. The Kindalo are some kind of tree-like people. They are also basically the stuff of nightmares. They live in an area called the Aleen Underworld and they have glowing stripes, and they look like tree-ified Slender Men.

In other words, they're pretty great.

Rating: 4/5. Note that they apparently appeared once, and probably for not more than three or four minutes of screentime.

567. Kips. The Kips arrested and imprisoned Zorba the Hutt once.

For those not in the know, Zorba was Jabba's daddy/mommy. (Hutts are hermaphrodites, in case you're not aware, though Zorba was only ever called Jabba's father-note that gender is apparently a matter of personal preference among Hutts.) He also had a beard and generally big hair.

There have been some dumb books in the Star Wars series, guys.

Rating: 1/5. They could arrest Hutts, but that doesn't tell us much.

568. Kitonaks. Kitonaks are relatively small and rather chubby, but despite this are very durable, as they are slow-moving and spend most of their time standing around waiting for prey to climb their bodies to their good-smell-emitting mouths where they can be eaten, and do this in a desert environment with brutal sandstorms. In at least one story, they were completely unharmed by repeated axe strikes from Gamorreans.

How such beings developed significant intelligence is rather beyond me.

Rating: 3/5, merely for their rather incongruous natures (both as a good and bad thing).

569. Kiughfids. Having four hands, they apparently frequently have been employed as card dealers.

Rating: 1/5. Meh.

570. Kivans. Oooh, the Kivans!

This is one of those things that's pretty obscure, but I totally know about it because I happened to read that particular relatively obscure book.

There was an experiment being performed by a pair of Imperial scientists, Mammon Hoole and Borborygmus Gog. (Now there is a set of names. Incidentally, both characters are of the Shi'ido species, who are shapeshifters that I'll surely talk about later.) The experiment went bad and killed all the Kivans. Hoole believed that the incident was an accident that was his fault, and changed fields into anthropology so that he could work for the preservation of cultures instead of the destruction of cultures. The truth is that Gog was the one who did it, on purpose, as part of his research into horror tropes unconventional quasi-magical weapons.

Years later, Hoole, Gog, and a gaggle of others ended up back on the now-dead Kivan homeworld, where Gog's project was reaching fruition. Shadowy ghosts of the Kivans showed up and demanded vengeance on Hoole... until somebody convinced them it had been Gog who did it instead.

The ghosts descended in a single mass upon Gog, covered him up, and shrank away to nothingness... and there naturally wasn't any Gog anymore, either.

Rating: 3/5. I like a good stupid kids' horror story as much as the next guy, and this is better than a lot of them because it's set in the Star Wars galaxy. (Yes, there was a kids' horror series set in the Star Wars galaxy. It was surprisingly fun.)

-Signing off.

He Has (And Is) A Big Head

It's kind of funny that when they created a character that was a living planet, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby apparently thought "Ego" was the most appropriate name. The whole planet is alive, so he's self-important?



That said, obviously he is. (I seem to remember him being rather less so in the later and somewhat miserable Silver Surfer cartoon; he was all quasi-benevolent earth spirit guy there, though he was still a villain and he actually worked for Thanos, if I recall. On one level, he wasn't as impressive [he couldn't even deal with the Silver Surfer very well], but on another, while the visuals they used for him were completely divorced from the original design they worked very well in animation.)

TMI for the day: My sister remarked once that she'd found crossover fanfiction involving Mogo the Green Lantern living planet and Zonoma Sekot, the living planet from Star Wars, and possibly Ego (my memory fails me on this point) having some form of relations.

(Also, notice the video is about Galactus and I don't even mention him?)

-Signing off.