Monday, November 3, 2008

That's A Sport I'd Watch

You know, it's probably pretty obvious from the fact that I don't really talk about sports at all here, but I'm not a sports fan. I'm really not a sports fan.

I mean, really.

Part of the reason I'm not a huge sports fan is because I've never been athletic enough to get involved in sports, and as a result, am relatively minimally aware of the mechanics of the games. (Exceptions to this include soccer, which I played [very badly] for a few years when I was a kid, basketball, which everyone asked if I played for years because I'm 6'3" barefoot [my answer was always "I hate basketball," primarily because everybody was always asking if I played it], and football, which is reasonably simple and watched religiously by my mother and very casually by my father. That, and I read an essay for a class that explained the difference between modern American football and its original incarnation. I don't get excited about football, but it was a fascinating essay.) Further, a lot of people call their particular sport "the GREAT AMERICAN GAME/PASTIME/FISHCAKES."

Excuse me, but I don't see what makes your sport the American game. There is only one sport that can truly claim that title, although I don't watch that one either: Stock car racing.

What qualifies stock car racing as the American sport? It's quite simple:
  1. The game involves cars, the chosen form of transportation for Americans, even now.
  2. The game is a race, meaning that the winners and the losers are determined by the speed of the competitors. Americans are always in a hurry, and racing is thus representative of their natures. (I, by the way, am rarely in a hurry, even though I'm nearly always on time, and that's one of the primary reasons I don't watch racing sports.)
  3. The game is blatantly commercial. The participants' vehicles are positively slathered in advertising. How much more American could it get?

There's only two things the game is missing that could possibly make it more American than it is already:

  1. Semi trucks, full of products associated with the sponsor companies, replacing the cars. (And there'd be a rule or something that they'd have to drive like actual semi truck drivers, who seem to think they're racecar drivers anway.)
  2. Dilapidated highways upon which the races take place.

...Is it just me, or would that be totally awesome? I know that if nothing else, I'd watch/read a TV/comic series about something like that.

(Note: The commentary here is not meant to be criticism of American society. I'm simply stating facts. I'd rather live in America than just about anywhere else.)

(Further note: Yes, I know that there was at least one comic book series about racing semi trucks on highways, and that some people have probably treated semi truck racing as some kind of underground sport. I want to see an official, corporate sponsored one, where the semi trucks have great big NASCAR-style advertising covering them completely.)

(Final note: Obviously, I'm being rather frivolously silly with my commentary. I don't care.)

-Signing off.

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